What We Have
by Caliessi
Summary: A face from the past brings more than memories for Jesse. I wanted to write more about Luke who made a brief appearance in my ficlet Tis Better to have Loved, and this is the result.


"Eat my dust, bitch!" Badger cried, throwing his arms in the air. "I win. Again."

Jesse sighed. "Get out of the clouds, yo. I've killed that game like a million times. You've beaten me twice."

Badger took a drag of their shared joint and passed it to Jesse. "Oh!" he exclaimed. "I almost forgot. Guess who I saw yesterday."

"Who?"

"Luke!"

"Luke?" Jesse felt his face flush.

"Luke Tyler. He didn't see me, I just saw him from across the street but it was definitely him. You remember him, don't you? He was kind of up his own ass."

Jesse passed back the joint, and blew out a long plume of smoke. "No, he wasn't. He was just really smart."

"Ooh, okay," Badger said. "Oh, yeah, I forgot, you were in big _lurve_ with the guy."

"What? Shut the fuck up. No I wasn't."

"Whoa, dude! Too much protesting, methinks!"

"I wasn't in love, all right?"

"Well, okay. If you insist."

"I do insist."

"Okay. Okay."

"I do!"

"I said okay!"

"Well, then. Just don't go there." Jesse took the joint and took a drag, before offering it back.

"No thanks, man. I've gotta scram."

"Where?"

"I'm a man of mystery, dude. Not telling. See you later."

"Yeah. Maybe. Asshole."

As the door banged shut behind Badger, Jesse took another long draw, and sighed it out. Luke. Back in Albuquerque? He couldn't be. Jesse felt his heart beating a little faster. He swallowed hard.

"I can't believe it," he said aloud. "I can _not_ fucking believe it."

Luke hadn't changed a bit, it was uncanny; Jesse recognised him straightaway even from across the street. He made to turn back, but Luke caught sight of him before he could.

"Jesse?" he called out. "My god! Jesse Pinkman?"

Jesse turned away again, sighed, and then turned back again to find Luke already crossing the road to meet him.

"Oh wow, it is you! Jesse, how are you? It's been how many years? You still look the same."

"So do you."

Luke hugged Jesse before he could stop him. Jesse stood, his arms rigid, his heart pounding until Luke let him go. "I'm sorry I took off without saying goodbye," Luke said. "It was such a fucking whirlwind, you know?"

Jesse lit up a cigarette. "So, what are you doing back here?" he asked.

"My parents just moved back this way! I'm visiting with my fiancee."

"You're getting married?"

"Next spring."

Jesse took a long drag of his cigarette, doing his very best to feign nonchalance.

"Hey! Congratulations."

"Thanks, man. We're having the wedding here. Louise is from England. She came over to study for a year at my university. What can I say, man? She met me and couldn't bear to leave. Her family are flying out as it's just her parents and one brother. It seemed the easiest option. Well, you know how big my clan is! But I'm babbling! Wanna grab a drink?"

"I'm- er, I'm kinda busy, actually..."

"Oh."

Jesse never did quite work out why he said what he said next. "I could spare maybe an hour."

"Great! Come on. You can tell me all your news."

They sat in a snug corner of the bar, nursing a bottle of beer each. In High School this would have been Jesse's idea of heaven: sitting across from Luke, being able to look at him, listen to him, uninterrupted. Now it filled him with discomfort, bringing long buried pain to the surface.

"So, how are your folks?" Luke asked him.

"Fine."

"You see them often?"

"Yeah."

"How's your aunt?"

"She, er..." Jesse paused, took a swig of his beer. "She died."

"Oh, I'm so sorry."

"Thanks."

"And your brother? How's he doing?"

"Oh, he's a real highflyer."

"He was just a little kid when I left."

"He still is, technically. But he acts more mature than I do."

Luke smiled. His eyes still held the same green sparkle that Jesse loved. "So, what are you doing these days, Jesse?"

"I'm in sales; a, er, an equal partner in a big business venture. It's really exciting. We're on the up... curve."

"Wow. Great. And do you still draw?"

"Yeah. I do a little of that on the side. Keep my hand in, y'know."

"That's great, Jesse. You were always so talented at it."

"So, what're you into these days?" Jesse asked.

"I'm a teacher. Yeah, yeah, I know. How could I!? Elementary school. Still a newbie really, so... It's good though. So far."

"You always were smart."

"So were you, Jesse. I saw it all the time even if the teachers didn't." Luke paused, took a swig of his beer. "So, do you have someone special?" he asked.

"Yeah," Jesse said, without meeting Luke's gaze. "I'm engaged too, actually. To, er, to a real babe." He fiddled with his beer mat as he spoke, flinching inside as his lies fell between them onto the table like confetti. "Yeah, she's just... great."

"Will I meet her?"

"No. She's away, modelling. She models and... she acts, so..."

"Cool! Well, maybe next time. What's her name?"

"Alexandria."

Luke nodded, took another swig of his beer. Jesse couldn't tell if he believed him or not; he was just relieved he didn't ask to see a photograph.

"Do you still see any of our teachers?" Luke asked. "Er... oh, the Chemistry guy. Mr White?"

"Sometimes."

"Man, he used to be on your case so damn much! Do you remember that cartoon you did of him? That was so awesome. How is he these days? Still teaching?"

Jesse took a gulp of his beer. "I think so, yeah." He really didn't want to discuss Mr White, not with Luke. He didn't try to process why, just knew that it felt... weird.

"I liked him, "Luke continued. "He was kinda cool in a nerdy way, you know?"

Jesse made a mental note to tell Mr White about that little character study later on. He drained his beer to stop himself from smirking.

"So, listen," Luke said. "Maybe we could get together tomorrow night? You can meet Lou. Give me your number and I'll give you a call."

Jesse wrote his cell number on a napkin with a borrowed pen and then they made their way out of the bar. Luke didn't return the favour. They parted ways outside, shaking hands, and Luke went back to his folks and his fiancée.

Jesse went home with a firm plan to get wasted.

The inevitable knock at the door came at some point or other. Jesse hadn't really marked the passing of time. He didn't get up straightaway. When the knock came again, it was accompanied by an irritated voice.

"Jesse? Are you in there?"

"Go away," Jesse called.

"Jesse. Open up. It's Walt."

"I know who it is. Go away."

"Jesse. Open this door now or I'll break it down."

"Gahhhhd! Just try it, bitch." Jesse dragged himself up off the seat with a sigh and lurched to the door. He opened it a crack. "Yo, what's up?"

"We had a meeting, Jesse. Remember?"

"Oh. Yeah. Sorry."

"Let me in, please."

Jesse sighed again and opened the door wider.

"Thank you." Walt pushed past him and perched himself on the edge of the sofa, his hands laced in his lap. He sat in silence for a while regarding Jesse as he slumped back down.

"So. Where were you?"

"Here."

"And you've been... smoking I see?"

"What's it to you what I do in my own house?"

"What is to me? We're partners, Jesse. They expected both of us today. How does it look when you don't show? And how do I explain it? It looks highly unprofessional."

"Bite me."

"What's the matter with you?"

"Oh... My life sucks. That's all."

"That's self pitying nonsense, Jesse, and you know it."

"Again, I say: Bite me."

"Okay." Walt leaned forward, moving closer to Jesse. "What's brought this on?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Now come on, Jesse. Where's that fighting spirit gone to?"

"It's gone, all right?"

"C'mon! Only the other day... you and I, remember? Up against it. We came through, because we worked as a team. You were strong."

"I have nothing-"

"Jesse-"

"I have nothing, Mr White! I am nothing!"

And with that, Jesse put his head in his hands and started to cry.

"Jesse? Jesse. Please. Tell me what happened."

"No."

"Maybe I can help."

"I doubt it."

"Try me."

"I saw somebody yesterday, that's all." Jesse's voice was quiet, muffled.

"You saw...somebody? Who was it?"

"Luke."

"Luke?"

"You remember Luke Tyler. In High School."

"Luke Tyler...? Oh! Family moved away if I recall."

"Yeah."

"Yes. I remember him. He was very bright."

Jesse glared through his tears. "Yeah. I bet he never got an F from you."

Walt let a small smile quirk his lips. "No. But that's not important now, Jesse. Why did seeing him upset you so much?"

"It just reminded me. That's all."

"Reminded you? Of what, Jesse?"

"That I'm not good enough, Mr White. You said it yourself, remember? That I'd never amount to much."

"Jesse..."

"I wasn't good enough for him, anyway."

Jesse glanced up, saw realisation starting to dawn on Walt's face.

"He's getting married. To a... a British girl. Louise. They're doing the whole deal here. I told him I was engaged too! I don't even want to _be_ engaged. I just- I..."

"What?"

"I loved him, Mr White, and... and I made a total fool out of myself. And now, seeing him..."

"Has brought it all up again."

"Stupid, huh?"

"No. Not at all. And it's going to be okay, Jesse. I promise. _Things_ happen in life from time to time, things like this, to throw us off kilter. Faces from the past... I've experienced that very same thing myself."

"Really?"

Walt nodded. "Yes. And it does pass. And you move on with what you've got. Seeing Luke has brought up some uncomfortable feelings for you. Reminded you of the pain you felt durung a period of your life when you felt vulnerable."

"I guess..."

"I'm right! And listen, Jesse. Listen very carefully now. You are good enough. You're my partner remember? Fifty fifty. And I need you focused, and straight. Not wasted. Right?"

Jesse sniffed, and nodded.

"Now... I want you - I need you - to try to pull yourself together. Try to get some perspective on this. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Good. Now, I'm going to make some coffee. Would you like one?"

"Yes. Thanks. You know where everything is."

"Yes, I do."

Jesse sat back in his seat, his eyes closed, as he listened to Mr White humming to himself in the kitchen. It was calming and comforting, reassuringly mundane, to hear him pottering about amid the rattle of spoons and clink of cups. Jesse almost felt relaxed.

His phone ringing brought him out of his reverie. He took a shaky breath. "Y'ello."

"Hi, Jesse?"

"Yeah. This is Jesse."

"It's Luke. Are we still on for tonight?"

Jesse closed his eyes, and placed his phone against his chest as he took a moment. "No, sorry man, " he said at last. "I'm busy tonight. Maybe another time."

"Aww man. That's a shame. Louise would love to meet you."

"Yeah, I'm sorry. Something's come up. I've got to... er...meet with my business partner. It's pretty important, you know. We got a big deal going down."

"Maybe when we're next here?"

"Won't you be busy? With the wedding and all?"

"Yes, but... Look, Jesse. I did think about inviting you, but I didn't think you'd want to come."

"Well, I- I'm pretty busy all the time these days. I- I probably wouldn't be able to make it, you know."

"Jesse"

"Mm?"

"I'm sorry I didn't keep in touch. I'm sorry I hurt you."

Jesse closed his eyes again, took a breath. This was too much.

"Jesse? Are you there?"

"'Yeah. I'm here."

"It overwhelmed me, your affection... I wasn't ready."

Jesse took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. "It's okay," he said. "Really. Listen... Er, all the best, all right? I hope you'll be very happy."

"Thanks."

"And Luke? Please don't call me again."

As Jesse hung up, Walter handed him his coffee and sat beside him. "All right?" he asked.

"I don't know."

Walt patted Jesse's leg. "You'll be just fine. You closed a door on the past, Jesse. That takes a lot of guts."

"So why do I feel like a coward?"

A stray tear ran down Jesse's cheek and he just let it go. But then Mr White's thumb wiped it away; his eyes roamed Jesse's face, as if seeking something out.

Jesse met his gaze. There was something there. Something like warmth. Jesse wanted to see more of it.

"You are good enough, Jesse," Mr White said. "Understand? You. Are. Good. Enough."

And suddenly Jesse couldn't focus on anything else but Mr White, and the growing suspicion that he was about to be kissed.

It was just a soft press against Jesse's lips at first. He let out a small sound of surprise as they pulled apart, but when Mr White cupped his face between his palms and leaned in for a second time, Jesse was more than ready for him. He kissed him back eagerly, wrapping his arms around him, bringing their bodies closer together.

When Walt pulled him into his lap, his hands finding their way beneath his clothes, Jesse felt himself coming back to life with a rush of adrenalin and a surge of desire, his body and mind cleansed of all anxiety. He didn't stop to think after that, he just let it all happen. He gave Mr White everything he wanted and took whatever he offered in return. Perhaps you could call it a kind of drug, a natural high to take away all the pain, but Jesse didn't care to name it. He was moving on with what he had, and that was good enough.


End file.
